Three full months pass and I take the blog title to heart

I've neglected this blog for a very long time. It was begun a relatively short time ago, in the way that March 15, 2010 counts as "short". The discipline of writing has been entirely channeled into schoolwork, and though I miss the comfortable routine of daily journal writing which I began just before losing a job in 2008, I do not miss the repetition of thought that I know is present in this blog just as it was in my handwritten journals. I have written without looking back, vowing at some point to do so, but that time has not yet come.


The writing here has served mainly to catalog a turning point and a risk, the latter of which is still in process. After 16 months in Canada, I approach my final semester with some excitement, a renewed sense of purpose, and hope. My last semester required intensive commitment and I've received formal grades of A, A-, A-, and B+ for four of the six courses I took, respectively. A graded final paper was received yesterday for another class, for which I received an A on a project worth half the course grade; having received an A+ on the previous project which was worth 40% and participating in class with as much insight as I could muster, an A+ is not out of the question for that course. Being that the course was on power and politics in organizations, it serves as a kind of demarcation point, encapsulating much of what I thought I knew coming into the program, much of what I have yet to learn and allowing me to focus that final project on content curation and its importance to people as they build their careers in the age of social media.


During the final class, I surprised myself by stating out loud that the course had renewed a sense of optimism which had been dormant and left for dead for many years, owing to painful interpersonal developments, financial strain and dependence, the inability to sail my own ship through a sea of unemployment, and the jading effects of performing a style of music which at one point held so much weight and meaning, but from which I began to grow distant as avenues of exploration withered before my eyes. This optimism comes despite renewed dependence on a relative to cover basic necessities before my final loan installment kicks in, and the final grade that I need to have come in for the last term - that of my finance class, which I failed earlier this year and need to pass again in order to continue on in the program.


That latter bugaboo has hung like an invisible pinata over my head for months now, and in the face of my continued struggle with the subject, I still performed to the best of my ability on the final exam, which though a source of pride is also one of worry, as I thought of things that I knew I did wrong after the test, and a small handful of questions that I had to leave blank, owing to time pressure and the anxiety of performing on the test. I have had to repeatedly stop thinking about it over the last couple of weeks, as I kept checking my grade report to see the course grades come in; as December 23rd came and went with no finance grade, I resigned myself to January 3rd, the date on which the university reopens after its closure for the holidays. I have not speculated on what I will do when I check the grade report again and see a favourable mark, only what I may do if a poor mark is received and I have to plead my case before the administration in whatever process that must take. (Even here, I am trying to think positively, not even wanting to type "failing" and typing "poor" instead.)


If there is anything that I will have to continue to conquer, it is the fear of failure. Even here, the solid grades for the other courses cannot yet be fully savoured, as it is the one grade outstanding which may hold disproportionate weight in the options which I may have available in the coming months. And I still have to find a job, of course - no fear of failure there yet, and I will strive to keep it that way as I look to meet with as many people as possible to get my advertising career launched with strength.


In this year of 2011, this year of dodging constant financial bullets and relearning the importance of pursuing my dreams in the face of possible failure, I worry not about whether or not I am pushing my luck with things. New opportunities, however modest, continue to propel me forward and I am determined to make the most of them, to be as open to the future as I can and gradually chip away at the iceberg of personal debt that follows me everywhere through the successes that await achievement in the near and not-so-near future.


At least three more days must pass before the die is cast on the direction of my next move, and in writing this, I have further strengthened my optimism and resolve. I will well need it in the immediate and not-so-immediate future, so it is just as well that I keep tempering the steel of my resolve, come what may.


With exactly 5 hours and 58 minutes remaining of 2011, I sign off until the next time, as my fiancee's clock-radio awakes her from afternoon slumber. Together she and I charge forward in our own way, heads held high, with our individual and shared futures before us.