The methodical plow.

Woke up at 7am with a clenched stomach, worried about the credit card debt.  The debt management plan I'd inquired about came back yesterday with an estimate that showed that I'm $938.00 in the hole every month with the debt that I have.  I know that's not possible; the repayment plan with the University and my plans to sell the car (even if it has to be sold for a song) would have me in the black, but barely.  I replied to the debt counselor with the nuances of my situation, but I'm suspecting that I'll have to actually go to debt settlement, which sucks.  Was able to talk it out with Jen and feel better, as some of the anxiety is coming from not wanting to make her anxious.

That itself makes it manageable; I also have to remember that my personality is such that my mind will keep finding things to worry about - I could just as easily be going to school in Minnesota and worry about keeping my grades up, for example.  I need to push past this fear and uncertainty for my own good, too - for as much as I'm adjusting to this place, I still have only one friend here, and am just meeting the new classmates that are gradually becoming friends.

I know that people fall on hard times with the loss of jobs and the inability to pay a mortgage, for example - I saw it in my old job a fair amount, with income sometimes just not shaking out after an application is in process, and low appraisals contributing to borrower frustration.  My situation is different: for years, I'd lived just enough beyond my means to accumulate credit card debt, which I hammered away at during my well-compensated year in 2007.  However, the near-year of unemployment between 2008 and 2009 set that back, as did the need to put essentials on credit (I'm sure that a few thousand dollars were at places like Target just for food).

Am I one of those struggling Americans?  Yes, but like so many, I am trying to better myself, and with an opportunity that few have to give myself MBA skills that will enable me to get away from the life of quiet desperation (employment-wise) that I've mostly lived.  And though $30,000.00 is a lot of credit card debt, it could always be worse.  I have my health and the love of my girl ("Bubbletoes" by Jack Johnson arrives overhead, right on cue) and all the motivation in the world to keep charging forward.

The decision of one or two people has resulted in drastic financial change and uncertainty (and my school is BIG on those two concepts, all irony aside).  But isn't that how this kind of thing often works anyway?  Risk involves the chance of loss, which I've already experienced to some extent, but the chance of gain: I made it past the gate at this school, which The Economist just ranked 10th-best in the world.  The world!

This is my big chance, and I have to take whatever suffering may come along with it.